The Decade’s Top 10 WTF!? Remake Moments

Nothing says “Hey, we’re running out of ideas” like Hollywood’s run of remakes.  In the past decade, Hollywood honchos have been guilty of serial plagiarism that would make Richard Ridyard blush.  And I’m not even talking about the theft of foreign movies like “Taxi,” “Quarantine,” “Vanilla Sky” or the onslaught of Americanized J-horror.  These are just remakes of movies that, frankly, needed to be left alone but, inexplicably, weren’t.  In no particular order:

Day of the Dead – While the “Dawn” remake was actually pretty awesome (among my favorites, actually), “Day” just sucked.  Hard.  In the remake mythology, evidently dying not only turns you into a flesh-eating zombie, but also turns you into freakin’ Spider Man, giving you the superhuman ability to jump twice your own height and climb walls.  Yeah.

Planet of the Apes – I like Tim Burton.  But honestly, I just don’t buy Marky Mark as an astronaut.  Or as… pretty much anything.  He can’t act, unless by “acting,” you mean, “talks woodenly and stares severely into the camera.”  There.  I said it.

Carrie – Remember when they did a TV movie (or was it a miniseries) of Stephen King’s “The Shining,” starring the slacker brother from “Wings” as Jack Nicholson?  Yeah.  Technically speaking, probably closer to the original novel.  But going made-for-TV was just a crappy idea.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth – follows an interesting formula: take an interesting idea, beef it up with quadrillion-dollar special effects, add Brendan Fraser.  This thing smelled strongly of suck before the cameras even rolled.

Willard – The 1971 original made Michael Jackson seem creepy even before the plastic surgery and questionable sleeping arrangements.  The new one had the dad from “Back To The Future.” 

The Fog – I was really looking forward to this one.  Then they added the whiny chick from “Lost,” removed everything that was remotely scary and turned it pretty much into “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” but without the Scooby Doo ending.  It made me sad.

Rollerball – Remaking a movie about an ultra-violent sport as society moves closer to crossing the line between entertainment and sadism?  Good idea.  Replacing James Caan with … pretty much any of the douches from “American Pie?”  Somebody deserves to be smacked.  And then tossed in a pit and beaten to death with whiffle bats while America watches.

Karate Kid – Will Smith’s kid as Daniel-san and Jackie Chan as Miyagi.  Okay, Chan might actually work.  But still… this and “My Cousin Vinnie” are pretty much Ralph Macchio’s only legacy.  Why take that away?

Footloose – Really?  I mean… really?

Red Dawn – Damn you, Hollywood.  Leave my Cold War, pro-American, awesome-infused propoganda alone.  

These last represent a stream of ’80s remakes that is getting so bad, I remember distinctly being grateful that John Hughes was still alive to keep Hollywood’s grubby hands off his stuff.  

Then John Hughes died. 

We’re screwed. 

Look for “Pretty in Pink” with that goofy kid from “Zombieland” as “Ducky.”  Just wait.