Sit down. We need to talk.

There is an episode of How I Met Your Mother where the gang starts having interventions for each other.  They have interventions for Marshall’s silly Suess hat, Lilly’s terrible Cockney accent, Robin’s excessive spray on tanning, and Barney’s pyrotechnic magic tricks.  Finally, they have an intervention on interventions. (“We’re having too many interventions”, Ted intones.) Continue reading

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The Decade’s Top 10 WTF!? Remake Moments

Nothing says “Hey, we’re running out of ideas” like Hollywood’s run of remakes.  In the past decade, Hollywood honchos have been guilty of serial plagiarism that would make Richard Ridyard blush.  And I’m not even talking about the theft of foreign movies like “Taxi,” “Quarantine,” “Vanilla Sky” or the onslaught of Americanized J-horror.  These are just remakes of movies that, frankly, needed to be left alone but, inexplicably, weren’t.  In no particular order:

Day of the Dead – While the “Dawn” remake was actually pretty awesome (among my favorites, actually), “Day” just sucked.  Hard.  In the remake mythology, evidently dying not only turns you into a flesh-eating zombie, but also turns you into freakin’ Spider Man, giving you the superhuman ability to jump twice your own height and climb walls.  Yeah.

Planet of the Apes – I like Tim Burton.  But honestly, I just don’t buy Marky Mark as an astronaut.  Or as… pretty much anything.  He can’t act, unless by “acting,” you mean, “talks woodenly and stares severely into the camera.”  There.  I said it.

Carrie – Remember when they did a TV movie (or was it a miniseries) of Stephen King’s “The Shining,” starring the slacker brother from “Wings” as Jack Nicholson?  Yeah.  Technically speaking, probably closer to the original novel.  But going made-for-TV was just a crappy idea.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth – follows an interesting formula: take an interesting idea, beef it up with quadrillion-dollar special effects, add Brendan Fraser.  This thing smelled strongly of suck before the cameras even rolled.

Willard – The 1971 original made Michael Jackson seem creepy even before the plastic surgery and questionable sleeping arrangements.  The new one had the dad from “Back To The Future.” 

The Fog – I was really looking forward to this one.  Then they added the whiny chick from “Lost,” removed everything that was remotely scary and turned it pretty much into “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” but without the Scooby Doo ending.  It made me sad.

Rollerball – Remaking a movie about an ultra-violent sport as society moves closer to crossing the line between entertainment and sadism?  Good idea.  Replacing James Caan with … pretty much any of the douches from “American Pie?”  Somebody deserves to be smacked.  And then tossed in a pit and beaten to death with whiffle bats while America watches.

Karate Kid – Will Smith’s kid as Daniel-san and Jackie Chan as Miyagi.  Okay, Chan might actually work.  But still… this and “My Cousin Vinnie” are pretty much Ralph Macchio’s only legacy.  Why take that away?

Footloose – Really?  I mean… really?

Red Dawn – Damn you, Hollywood.  Leave my Cold War, pro-American, awesome-infused propoganda alone.  

These last represent a stream of ’80s remakes that is getting so bad, I remember distinctly being grateful that John Hughes was still alive to keep Hollywood’s grubby hands off his stuff.  

Then John Hughes died. 

We’re screwed. 

Look for “Pretty in Pink” with that goofy kid from “Zombieland” as “Ducky.”  Just wait.

100 Words or Less: Dec. 29

. Tyra Banks is ending her talk show and forming a new production studio.  Presumably her movies will also be pretty much all about Tyra Banks.

. The most illegally downloaded movie of the year: Star Trek.  Then Tranformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, The Hangover, Twilight, Harry Potter And The Half-blood Prince and X-men Origins: Wolverine.  ‘Cuz nothing beats being able to watch a movie recorded via handycam by some obnoxious fat guy.

. Time Magazine released their Top 10 Everything.  Top album: Brad Paisley’s ‘American Saturday Night.”  Top Movie: The Princess and the Frog.  Top story nobody actually cares about: The rest of the list.

Best movies of the DECADE!

Welcome, new readers!  Okay, here’s the deal.  I want to do a list of the BEST, must-watch movies of the decade: 2000-2009.  Trouble is, A, I’m lazy and, B, I have a short attention span. 

SO – help us out.  What are your TEN favorite movies of this decade?  We’ll take the movies with the most votes and put together a top ten best list on December 31.

UPDATE:  Okay, ten is probably too many to ask for.  Instead, just let us know your FAVORITE movie of the decade.  If you have more than one, list ’em all.  We’ll sort ’em out.

Jeff the Great’s Chrismas Youtube Mash Up

Jeff’s Youtube Mashup

Check out the whole video HERE!

Jeff explores a literal youtube yuletide cheer, so you don’t have to waste your time watching bad videos.

The Princess and the Flop?

Let’s face it, I don’t enjoy talking about princesses, but as I move from being a kid into having kids, these are the flicks Promotional PosterI get to see.  Granted, I will be the first to admit that I am thrilled with Disney’s decision to go back to old-school animation with the new film, The Princess and the Frog.  If others are just as excited, that alone will  carry it through the box office enough that it won’t be counted a complete failure.  But this flick had to do more.  This had to do what Little Mermaid did twenty years ago, reestablishing the Disney animated movie as the family event not to be missed.  Held to that standard, this film fell flat.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of good things to say about this movie.  The film is tastefully dark, even though the voodoo-wielding bad guy is interchangeable with the Bond villain Baron Samedi from Live and Let Die. And I even felt myself tearing up a bit in the denouement, which says that its not inept.

But this move had to be more than “not inept.”  It had to be memorable.   And that’s the problem.  This movie is just too damned forgettable.  It’s functioning, but it all has the feeling of something you’ve seen before, just with different dress.  The songs aren’t bad, just forgettable.  The characters aren’t bad, just forgettable.  Forgettable, forgettable, forgettable.  And for a film that was supposed to save Disney animation, no matter what it does at the box office, that makes The Princess and the Frog a holiday flop.

Hollywood still sucks.

Well, we’re back.  And by “We” I mean the guy who started this blog a few years back, and collection of like-minded miscreants, to be added to our number as they put down the Cheetos and tear their eyes from YouTube long enough to actually write something. 

So why are we doing a Media blog?  Aren’t there enough of them out there, what with the flamboyant fellow with the constantly changing hair, and TMZ and all?  Sure.  There are plenty of celebrity blogs.

But how many bloggers out there will give you industry updates in the publishing, television, film and gaming world, along with the latest in interweb fun, without having to slog through the gigabytes of who’s screwing who in Hollywood, literally and figuratively?  Who’s going to give an honest review of the latest blockbusters without you having to wonder how much Disney paid for their souls?

Well, I don’t know either.

But as long as Hollywood keeps sucking, MediaJerk will be there to talk about it, and to help you while away your life on random entertainment.  So if you want to know what’s coming next in media, but honestly don’t give a crap about whether Miley Cyrus reactivates her Twitter account, stick around.