Day of the dead: When there is no more room in Hell, the crappy remakes will walk the Earth

Before I begin with this, let me start off with a couple confessions.  The first will come as no surprise to my regular reader (all one of him):  I love George Romero.  I consider myself a fan of zombies in general, and Romero’s work in particular.  Having said that, I come to Confession 2: I was not at all enamoured by the third in his trilogy, Day of the Dead.  After two solid works of horror (Night and Dawn), both of which did a fair job moonlighting as social satire, Day was like the red-headed stepchild.  Rather than equal parts fear, humor and satire, with Day, Romero seemed to rely only and completely on a decent premise and lots of gore to carry the feature.  The idea was sound and interesting, but the story seemed to lack the elements that made the first two films great.

Perhaps because of my overall disappointment with Romero’s Day of the Dead, I didn’t approach the 2008 remake with my usual trepidation about such things — especially when I recalled that the Dawn remake of 2004 was actually pretty damned good, all things considered.  I can’t tell you what I expected when I decided to give this movie a chance.  I’ve seen too many remakes to have actually expected an improvement on Romero’s pic.  I do know that I approached this movie with a wide-eyed optimism.  I expected it to not be great. 

But this was a travesty.

First, I’ll discuss the good.  This shouldn’t take long.  The movie starred Mena Suvari, who, in spite of her roles in the American Pie movies (if film has a retarded kid brother, it is the “teen sex comedy”), is actually very talented (see American Beauty).  She and Ving Rhames, who had a bit role, actually did very well in this movie, and sold the plot as well as they possibly could.  Veteren actor Ian McNeice (Sci-Fi’s Dune) plays a pot-smoking, anti-government DJ who is actually a pretty likeable character.  Though the other actors aren’t as well-known, they actually do very well.  Indeed, if anything could have saved this film, it would have been the acting by the principals. 

Aside from the acting, there were some fairly cool effects, but they served mostly to highlight the weaknesses in the movie.  And what are those weaknesses?  Well, actually, the zombies are.  Not the makeup, or the gore effects, which were all very well-done — but as characters. 

I don’t usually consider myself one to get caught up in mythology, but there are certain things you have to account for if you’re going to go off the reservation in an established genre.  Like the fact that these dead, diseased corpses seem to rot immediately after death (not just start to rot — but the second they revive and become the living dead, they develop open sores).  Or the fact that the zombies “retain part of who they were,” but are still, for the most part, flesh-eating monsters — but who are able to think and reason (in our second encounter with a zombie, we discover he has hidden the bodies of his parents after dining on them — and then later pretends to be dead in order to get the jump on his next meal).  Finally, though the creatures are dead, and brain function is supposed to be at a minimum, they appear to have gained superhuman abilities, like jumping at abnormal heights and distances, wall-climbing, etc. 

The zombie problem only compounds the various plot holes, which become more apparent at the end of the movie. 

Caution:  What follows contains spoilers.  Do not read, if you intend to watch this movie.

I think, even more than the hyper-animated corpses, what really got to me about this movie were the wide open plot holes.  For example, before our hero survivors head for the old army bunker, they go to the military roadblock.  The one that’s supposed to quarantine the town.  Nobody is alive — and what soldiers there are have been turned to zombies.  Yet, at the end of the movie, we learn that, in a very short period of time, the plague has been contained.  How?  There was no effective barracade.  Nobody was dealing with it once the heroes left town.  Sure, they blew up a bunch of zombies (did you know that propellants could completely incinerate the human body in mere seconds?  Me neither.), but there were a lot more. 

Then you have the fact that the hero, Sarah (Suvari) is very concerned about Bud, who she refuses to kill even before being certain that he won’t eat her (he’s a vegetarian and has a crush), has no such qualms about running down her mother like a dog in the street.  “It’s not her,” she tells her brother.  Even though Bud, evidently, is still very much Bud.

What’s really annoying here is that this movie had the tools to be great.  They had a good idea from Romero, a pretty decent starting point, the opportunity to improve on the original, a decent cast and good effects.  But the writer botched the hell out of the script, and the director was just not able to overcome its deficiencies.

Another Zombie Flick (that I’m gonna have to see)?

Sony Pictures has an answer, it seems, to George A. Romero’s “Diary of the Dead.”  “Quarantine” follows a TV news reporter (Jennifer Carpenter) embedded with a local fire unit.  They are called to assist at an apartment building, and find police already there, answering a call about screams coming from one of the apartments.  Before the news team can leave, hey discover that the building has been quarantined to contain an unknown virus, which has hit some members of the community, causing them to attack people. 

When the quarantine is lifted, in a moment that is more “Blair Witch” than you’d expect coming from a major motion picture house, rescuers cannot find any resident, and the only evidence left is the tape from the reporter and her camera man.  It’s like “The Blair Witch Project” meets “Night of the Living Dead.”  In other words, it’s a great deal like “Diary of the Dead,” it would seem, only in an apartment building.

But, in the spirit of “just because it’s derivitive doesn’t mean it will suck,” I’m actually looking forward to seeing what they do with this.  (You may remember a certain guilty pleasure I’ve mentioned in the past, regarding zombie flicks.)  Anyway, here’s the trailer.  It’s pretty vague, plotwise, but, damn, can Jennifer Carpenter scream.  Enjoy.

The Cult of Film I: “The Last Shark”

To explain the 1981 Italian hack-job known as “L’ Ultimo Squalo (The Last Shark),” I would direct the reader’s attention first to a pretty bad Bob Dylan impersonator, to be found within about 30 minutes of the movie: a similar sound, but zero substance.  The same could be said about this film, in relation to its source material: “Jaws.”

Before continuing, a note on the title.  “L’ Ultimo Squalo” appears to be the result of an Italian misunderstanding of American misuse of English.  Though we Americans (in our usual, language-bastardizing fashion) often use the word “Ultimate” to mean “best,” “greatest” or something in that vein (for example, The Ultimate Fighter), the root of the word, and the word itself actually mean “Last,” or “end.”  I suspect the Italian filmmakers attempted to appeal to an American audience with a movie about “The Ultimate Shark,” but, rather amusingly, and similar to everything else about this movie, it was lost in the translation.

The movie, made by people who have obviously never bothered to even read a book about sharks, is a blatant “Jaws” rip-off.  The filmmakers never even bothered to hide the fact (although, with characters like a novelist named Peter Benton, they may well have been trying to pretend it was an homage rather than theft –though it may just indicate the exact lack of creativity suggested by the rest of the script).  The plot itself if more full of holes than the surfboard at the beginning of the movie, and you don’t even have to be a particularly careful observer to note the several oddities and inconsistancies in the action — like how a giant Great White is able to swallow a 200-lb man in two gulps, but has trouble with a 20-lb morsel of meat.

Still, the movie is fun for the reasons all bad movies are fun, in an MST3K kinda way.  For this reason, and just because it’s so darned hard to find, it’s certainly worth a look.  Its cult status is due largely to the successful suit brought by Universal, which shut down all exhibition and release of the film in the US.  This has made it available mostly as bootleg or Japanese laserdisc.  Fortunately for us, though, our friends at moviesfoundonline.com have found a copy and made it available for everyone’s — er — enjoyment.

Guilty Pleasure, number 2: Zombie fiction

I’ve considered my reasoning for enjoying zombie fiction from every angle.  The truth is, I’m not that big a fan of gore.  There are plenty of gory movies I enjoy — but I don’t watch them for it.  In fact, I’ve often thought I’d have enjoyed George Romero’s “Day of the Dead” a little more had it been less gory.  Strange, considering the subject matter.  So, what, ultimately, is it about zombie movies (and books) that I find so fascinating?

Well, if I’m going to continue my self-psychoanalysis, I suppose I ought to also reveal that I don’t like movies or literature all that much in which the walking dead in question actually talk.  To some extent, I guess, this spoils the concept for me.  I think what it is, is that I find the concept of a soulless human interesting.  I believe in the human soul.  I think it’s part of what makes us who we are.  In fact, I believe it is who we are.  Without it?  Animals, giving in only to instinct.  Hence, the zombie.

 Plus, I just love the hell out of camp horror.

All that said, I am, as you can imagine, waiting with much anticipation the release of the latest Romero film, “Diary of the Dead.”  I still, oddly, haven’t seen “Land of the Dead…” maybe I can make it a twofer.

Okay, it looks cool… but will it deliver?

Here’s the problem with Hollywood’s basic lack of creativity: sooner or later you’re gonna piss somebody off.  When you remake, retool, adapt or create a sequal, people who loved the original are going to be watching very, very carefully.  When you do fantasy and science fiction, this problem is compounded by the fact that the fans are a bunch of rabid geeks with a very, very annoyingly accurate knowledge of whatever it is you’re adapting.

Doing it is one thing.  Doing right is something else again.  Among the most current cases-in-point is the new Star Trek movie.  We don’t know much about it, as usual, since it apparently won’t be out till the end of this year.  It does have a very cool – if vague –trailer, though.  This is a risky move, movie trailer-wise.  Vague trailers promise far more than do trailers with dialogue, basic plot summaries and such.  And the movies don’t always deliver.

But, this is JJ Abrams — he of Lost and of Cloverfield.  I haven’t seen the latter yet, though I’m told it’s everything people had hoped for (I’ll see for myself soon enough).  As a big fan of Lost, though, I know that Abrams is at least capable of delivering to goods.

On the plus side for this movie, we have Abrams himself, along with what look to be cool-as-hell special effects.  We also have Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) as Scotty, Leanard Nemoy is attached to the project (and his voice can be heard reciting the old “Space… the final frontier” that is sure to make the geeks salivate with anticipation), and Bruce Greenwood to play Christopher Pike — which, frankly, ain’t a bad move.  We also have Alex (Transformers) Kurtzman as a screenwriter.

A potential downside is a mostly untried cast who looks like they just stepped off a WB primetime spot.  Sure, the original had a fairly pretty cast… but this isn’t the original.  The other downside is also an upside: the available technology.  We rabid geeks expect something spectacular.  It’s 2008 — we have the technology to do amazing things, effects-wise.  And if this incarnation of Trek doesn’t live up to its potential, Paramount will need to fear the wrath.

Does this make me less of a fan?

Okay, like most guys you’ll find on the ‘Net, I’m a Star Wars fan.  The movies speak to me, not only on a film level, but on a philosophical level, as well.  That said, I’m clearly near the bottom of the fanatic hierarchy.  I’ve never stood in a ticket line for three days wearing a Darth Vader costume (though I did stand in a line for three hours wearing a Darth Vader hat).  Unlike my brother-in-law, though I’ve read one or three of the books, I do not own the entire Star Wars library (he’s also a math teacher — and likes it!  We’ve been trying unsuccessfully for years to get him to embrace the reality that he’s a nerd).  But, if it counts, I really, really, envy him his library.

All this is to say that, A, I’ve never until today heard of a little fan film called “Star Wars: Revelations” and, B, other than the vague knowledge that this takes place sometime in the near future of Episode III, I honestly couldn’t tell you if or where the movie adds to the Star Wars mythology.

I really am a little surprised I missed it.  And, regardless of what it does to the mythology, being as ignorant as I am of the bigger picture, I found it rather enjoyable.  Especially considering the quality of the effects, given what I’m quite certain had to be a very limited budget.

In any event, for those who, like me, are at least nominal fans, it’s worth a look — and you can see it for free at moviesfoundonline.com.

Studios and Directors Reach Agreement; Have Nothing To Shoot

Today (Thursday), Hollywood studios reached an agreement with the Directors’ Guild — and a very nice agreement at that.  Not only does the agreement “increase wages and residuals” for the directors, it also provides for internet distribution — in fact, establishing a guild jurisdiction over residuals on new distro mediums like the internet.

Quick question, though: barring the inevitable remakes of classic horror films, just what the hell do you guys plan on shooting?  I mean, do these bozos (the studio execs, I mean) understand that all the still-striking guild writers have to do to cripple Hollywood is not write any scripts?  

You think every one of these writers isn’t either working on a novel or working at some secondary job?  These people are scriptwriters: of course they have another source of income.  It isn’t great, perhaps — but it’ll keep ‘em going even as producers are scraping the bottom of the B-movie barrell for some something, anything, to put on film.

Are they honestly asking for that much, Hollywood?  Are you honestly so arrogant to believe these people, who are rendering your studios more and more useless with every day they don’t write, aren’t worth the small amount they’re asking for in internet revenues? 

Well… just keep ignoring them.  As American “Idle” continues to fade in popularity – as people begin to realize that they honestly don’t give a damn which lying, whiny personality void wins the money/date/husband for which they’re competing — the studios will continue to lose both relevance and revenue. 

The WGA can, and, I imagine, will, outlast Hollywood here.  I don’t think we’ll see a group commitment like we did with the Directors’ Guild, though.  Rather, expect more production groups to simply follow Letterman’s lead and strike deals of their own.  And for those who don’t, well, there are plenty of other producers waiting to step up.

But please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do it quickly.  American Idol’s week of entertainment (yeah, I’m one of the sadist who can only tolerate Idol during the week of crappy singers with hilariously cocky attitudes) is almost over — then they simply revert to “Who Can Sound The Most Like Christina.”  Then what’ll we watch?

Writers’ Strike — Opportunity for Originality, or Just More Remakes?

The Writers’ Strike’s still going strong, semi-crippling everything but (God help us) “reality” television.  While this is a blow to good television (what’s left of it), anyone paying attention to movies is left to wonder whether the screenwriters haven’t been on strike for the past several years.

Let’s face it: the most original stuff coming out of mainstream Hollywood lately has, ironically, come from Disney.  That’s right, the house that Grimm built has actually, for the last couple years, been turning out some very decent and even semi-original material (even if National Treasure is basically Indiana Jones without the exotic locations), while everybody else is pretty much making movies that have already been made or else, when they’re feeling especially daring, adapting novels.

But you know, there could be an opportunity here.  What this strike could do, hopefully, is pave the way for some indies.  You’d like to think so, anyway.  You’d like to think that, with several months of no work coming in through the Guild writers, some original works by indie film makers might get some much-deserved attention.

Most likely, though, execs, rather than pay somebody else, will instead dust off a shelved copy of something or other, and reproduce it.  Look for word-for-word remakes of “Ben Hur,” “Plan 9 from Outer Space” and “Horrors of Spider Island.” 

On the other hand, there’s always hope that the arrogant television execs will see the error of their ways, relent in their stupidity, and give these writers the cut they deserve.

Right.  I wonder who could play “Maria” in the “Sound of Music” remake…