In honor (if you can call it that) of the new season of American “Idle,” I’ve decided to repost a blog I posted on myspace last year about everybody’s favorite contestent to hate — or just sort of wonder about in a general sort of way — the guy whose hair sucked more than his vocal talent (which in itself was a feat!) — Sanjaya. Enjoy, as you remember with fondness (or with a horrid sort of loathing) the fountain of suck that was Sanjaya.
—orginally posted on myspace on May 24, 2007—
People who know me will be a little confused by the title of this post. Surely, I must be talking about the Sanskrit word, meaning “obtaining victory”, and not the uber-smiley Indian who got way further than his talent should have allowed on American Idol!?
My dear readers (all seven of you), I am, in fact, speaking of the boy who would be idol – but please, don’t be disappointed yet.
When American Idol hit the mainstream several years ago, I discovered I had something of a sadistic side as I watched a bunch of people who were very, very confident, and equally terrible, got chided, mocked and booted by Simon Cowell, the Lone Ranger of taste in desert of mediocrity.
Though my wife quite enjoys the show, I, being a straight white guy (not yet in his thirties), tend to shy away. But as my wife watched, and pointed out to me the few bright stars, I became intrigued by this young Indian boy with the funky hair and constant smile. Not because he was so talented, but because I couldn’t believe he kept avoiding getting voted out — no matter how bad he was.
It must, I believed, be a conspiracy. Surely, there weren’t that many people in America who could not only stand to listen to that crap for another week, but actually actively enjoyed it?
Clearly, American Idol has never been a showcase of fine art and creativity, but most people I know have a great deal of taste when it comes to music… whether someone likes the style or not notwithstanding, we can generally tell if someone is performing it well. As proof of this, my wife (a person with a great deal of taste, an ear for music well-performed and an eye for good design) and every other person I spoke with who watched the show also expressed a near-catatonic disbelief in Sanjaya’s continued survival on the show.
So, when my wife told me about this new theory — admission, if you will — that “Sanjaya” was, in fact, not a person, but an art project, I was not necessarily surprised, but very, very, interested. Could this really be the reason behind “Sanjaya”? Could this be the source?
Here’s the problem: it doesn’t explain the larger mystery – not who “Sanjaya” is, but how he managed to get so darned far in a competition purporting to be about talent.
In international intrigue, spies often use a type of literary device known as a “red herring.” Such a thing is generally something to put a pursuer (or group of pursuers) on a wild goose chase, while the perpetrator gets away. It’s a bit of slight-of-hand, if you will — misdirection. Could it possibly be that this “Bill Vendall” (“Sanjaya’s” supposed alter-ego) business is itself a red herring? Could it be that there is a deeper, darker secret behind who this individual is, and how he managed to get famous while barely passing mediocrity?
No. The Vendall Scenario simply doesn’t fit the facts. I propose three alternative options instead.
In the first it could be suggested that “Sanjaya” is an alien, sent from some other planet to test our tolerance for mediocrity. In this and the second scenario, Vendall makes perfect sense as the red herring – easier to believe it’s just a funny, odd student making a point rather than the more insidious nature of such a test. After all, what possible altruistic purpose could such research facilitate for extraterrestrials? No. If aliens are testing our tolerance for mediocrity, this suggests very terrible consequences indeed. Unfortunately for us, this theory does little to answer the big question of “Sanjaya’s” success, or else just means we have a very high tolerance for mediocrity. So much the better for the aliens.
Option 2: “Sanjaya” is a spy, whose entrance into our country was to be facilitated by American Idol. Because whatever country he hails from had no spies that could sing better than “Sanjaya”, they had to stack the ballots by activating a large number of plants to vote for him and get him as far into the competition as possible. Upon failure, his handlers were forced to advance the Vendall angle instead. Granted, this person doesn’t necessarily seem bright enough to be a spy … but maybe that’s part of the cover.
However, I humbly suggest Option 3 as the most likely:
That “Sanjaya” is a construct created by a collective and fevered imagination made warped by the shocking and continued rape of our culture at the hands of television producers. That finally, out of all the mediocrity we’ve been celebrating and rewarding, came the ultimate in mediocrity. The perfect definition of mediocre so compelling that as the first fevered mind created him, others followed suit – a virtual supervirus of cognitive suggestion.
That’s right – “Sanjaya” is in our minds, and nothing more. His departure from Idol wasn’t a fluke, but literally the sign of an America finally regaining its senses.
