Guilty Pleasure I: Total Eclipse of the Heart

You may not expect a large, straight guy with a beard to admit this, but I love Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart.  I think it’s just a great song, amazingly well-done.  First of all, I love Tyler’s voice, for the same reason I like good hardcore, emo, screamo, punk, etc.  I just really enjoy raw vocals.  From a critic’s perspective, I’d say this has to do with the passion reflected in the voice.  Whatever.  I just really like it.  On top of Tyler’s enjoyable performance, though, you have the video.  If you haven’t seen this video, watch it.  It’s like a Meatloaf video, only (somehow) more surreal, and with flying choirboys with glowing eyes.  And dancing ninjas.  Really.  Ninjas.  Dancing.

 You have to be a special kind of cool to have dancing ninjas.

 By the way, Guilty pleasure 1(a): the Dan Band cover.  First off, in spite of the random obscenity, it actually is a pretty well-done cover.  But mostly, I don’t know why but there’s just something really very amusing (on an I-wish-I-was-still-13 kind of level) about semi-random and totally inappropriate swearing (and yes… that’s as opposed to “appropriate swearing”).

Okay, it looks cool… but will it deliver?

Here’s the problem with Hollywood’s basic lack of creativity: sooner or later you’re gonna piss somebody off.  When you remake, retool, adapt or create a sequal, people who loved the original are going to be watching very, very carefully.  When you do fantasy and science fiction, this problem is compounded by the fact that the fans are a bunch of rabid geeks with a very, very annoyingly accurate knowledge of whatever it is you’re adapting.

Doing it is one thing.  Doing right is something else again.  Among the most current cases-in-point is the new Star Trek movie.  We don’t know much about it, as usual, since it apparently won’t be out till the end of this year.  It does have a very cool – if vague –trailer, though.  This is a risky move, movie trailer-wise.  Vague trailers promise far more than do trailers with dialogue, basic plot summaries and such.  And the movies don’t always deliver.

But, this is JJ Abrams — he of Lost and of Cloverfield.  I haven’t seen the latter yet, though I’m told it’s everything people had hoped for (I’ll see for myself soon enough).  As a big fan of Lost, though, I know that Abrams is at least capable of delivering to goods.

On the plus side for this movie, we have Abrams himself, along with what look to be cool-as-hell special effects.  We also have Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) as Scotty, Leanard Nemoy is attached to the project (and his voice can be heard reciting the old “Space… the final frontier” that is sure to make the geeks salivate with anticipation), and Bruce Greenwood to play Christopher Pike — which, frankly, ain’t a bad move.  We also have Alex (Transformers) Kurtzman as a screenwriter.

A potential downside is a mostly untried cast who looks like they just stepped off a WB primetime spot.  Sure, the original had a fairly pretty cast… but this isn’t the original.  The other downside is also an upside: the available technology.  We rabid geeks expect something spectacular.  It’s 2008 — we have the technology to do amazing things, effects-wise.  And if this incarnation of Trek doesn’t live up to its potential, Paramount will need to fear the wrath.

Does this make me less of a fan?

Okay, like most guys you’ll find on the ‘Net, I’m a Star Wars fan.  The movies speak to me, not only on a film level, but on a philosophical level, as well.  That said, I’m clearly near the bottom of the fanatic hierarchy.  I’ve never stood in a ticket line for three days wearing a Darth Vader costume (though I did stand in a line for three hours wearing a Darth Vader hat).  Unlike my brother-in-law, though I’ve read one or three of the books, I do not own the entire Star Wars library (he’s also a math teacher — and likes it!  We’ve been trying unsuccessfully for years to get him to embrace the reality that he’s a nerd).  But, if it counts, I really, really, envy him his library.

All this is to say that, A, I’ve never until today heard of a little fan film called “Star Wars: Revelations” and, B, other than the vague knowledge that this takes place sometime in the near future of Episode III, I honestly couldn’t tell you if or where the movie adds to the Star Wars mythology.

I really am a little surprised I missed it.  And, regardless of what it does to the mythology, being as ignorant as I am of the bigger picture, I found it rather enjoyable.  Especially considering the quality of the effects, given what I’m quite certain had to be a very limited budget.

In any event, for those who, like me, are at least nominal fans, it’s worth a look — and you can see it for free at moviesfoundonline.com.

Studios and Directors Reach Agreement; Have Nothing To Shoot

Today (Thursday), Hollywood studios reached an agreement with the Directors’ Guild — and a very nice agreement at that.  Not only does the agreement “increase wages and residuals” for the directors, it also provides for internet distribution — in fact, establishing a guild jurisdiction over residuals on new distro mediums like the internet.

Quick question, though: barring the inevitable remakes of classic horror films, just what the hell do you guys plan on shooting?  I mean, do these bozos (the studio execs, I mean) understand that all the still-striking guild writers have to do to cripple Hollywood is not write any scripts?  

You think every one of these writers isn’t either working on a novel or working at some secondary job?  These people are scriptwriters: of course they have another source of income.  It isn’t great, perhaps — but it’ll keep ‘em going even as producers are scraping the bottom of the B-movie barrell for some something, anything, to put on film.

Are they honestly asking for that much, Hollywood?  Are you honestly so arrogant to believe these people, who are rendering your studios more and more useless with every day they don’t write, aren’t worth the small amount they’re asking for in internet revenues? 

Well… just keep ignoring them.  As American “Idle” continues to fade in popularity – as people begin to realize that they honestly don’t give a damn which lying, whiny personality void wins the money/date/husband for which they’re competing — the studios will continue to lose both relevance and revenue. 

The WGA can, and, I imagine, will, outlast Hollywood here.  I don’t think we’ll see a group commitment like we did with the Directors’ Guild, though.  Rather, expect more production groups to simply follow Letterman’s lead and strike deals of their own.  And for those who don’t, well, there are plenty of other producers waiting to step up.

But please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do it quickly.  American Idol’s week of entertainment (yeah, I’m one of the sadist who can only tolerate Idol during the week of crappy singers with hilariously cocky attitudes) is almost over — then they simply revert to “Who Can Sound The Most Like Christina.”  Then what’ll we watch?

The Sanjaya Complexity: repost

In honor (if you can call it that) of the new season of American “Idle,” I’ve decided to repost a blog I posted on myspace last year about everybody’s favorite contestent to hate — or just sort of wonder about in a general sort of way — the guy whose hair sucked more than his vocal talent (which in itself was a feat!) — Sanjaya.  Enjoy, as you remember with fondness (or with a horrid sort of loathing) the fountain of suck that was Sanjaya.
—orginally posted on myspace on May 24, 2007—

People who know me will be a little confused by the title of this post.  Surely, I must be talking about the Sanskrit word, meaning “obtaining victory”, and not the uber-smiley Indian who got way further than his talent should have allowed on American Idol!?

My dear readers (all seven of you), I am, in fact, speaking of the boy who would be idol – but please, don’t be disappointed yet. 

When American Idol hit the mainstream several years ago, I discovered I had something of a sadistic side as I watched a bunch of people who were very, very confident, and equally terrible, got chided, mocked and booted by Simon Cowell, the Lone Ranger of taste in desert of mediocrity. 

Though my wife quite enjoys the show, I, being a straight white guy (not yet in his thirties), tend to shy away.  But as my wife watched, and pointed out to me the few bright stars, I became intrigued by this young Indian boy with the funky hair and constant smile.  Not because he was so talented, but because I couldn’t believe he kept avoiding getting voted out — no matter how bad he was. 

It must, I believed, be a conspiracy.  Surely, there weren’t that many people in America who could not only stand to listen to that crap for another week, but actually actively enjoyed it? 

Clearly, American Idol has never been a showcase of fine art and creativity, but most people I know have a great deal of taste when it comes to music… whether someone likes the style or not notwithstanding, we can generally tell if someone is performing it well.  As proof of this, my wife (a person with a great deal of taste, an ear for music well-performed and an eye for good design) and every other person I spoke with who watched the show also expressed a near-catatonic disbelief in Sanjaya’s continued survival on the show. 

So, when my wife told me about this new theory — admission, if you will — that “Sanjaya” was, in fact, not a person, but an art project, I was not necessarily surprised, but very, very, interested.  Could this really be the reason behind “Sanjaya”?  Could this be the source?

Here’s the problem: it doesn’t explain the larger mystery – not who “Sanjaya” is, but how he managed to get so darned far in a competition purporting to be about talent.

In international intrigue, spies often use a type of literary device known as a “red herring.”  Such a thing is generally something to put a pursuer (or group of pursuers) on a wild goose chase, while the perpetrator gets away.  It’s a bit of slight-of-hand, if you will — misdirection.  Could it possibly be that this “Bill Vendall” (“Sanjaya’s” supposed alter-ego) business is itself a red herring?  Could it be that there is a deeper, darker secret behind who this individual is, and how he managed to get famous while barely passing mediocrity? 

No.  The Vendall Scenario simply doesn’t fit the facts.  I propose three alternative options instead.

In the first it could be suggested that “Sanjaya” is an alien, sent from some other planet to test our tolerance for mediocrity.  In this and the second scenario, Vendall makes perfect sense as the red herring –  easier to believe it’s just a funny, odd student making a point rather than the more insidious nature of such a test.  After all, what possible altruistic purpose could such research facilitate for extraterrestrials?  No.  If aliens are testing our tolerance for mediocrity, this suggests very terrible consequences indeed.  Unfortunately for us, this theory does little to answer the big question of “Sanjaya’s” success, or else just means we have a very high tolerance for mediocrity.  So much the better for the aliens.

Option 2: “Sanjaya” is a spy, whose entrance into our country was to be facilitated by American Idol.  Because whatever country he hails from had no spies that could sing better than “Sanjaya”, they had to stack the ballots by activating a large number of plants to vote for him and get him as far into the competition as possible.  Upon failure, his handlers were forced to advance the Vendall angle instead.  Granted, this person doesn’t necessarily seem bright enough to be a spy … but maybe that’s part of the cover. 

However, I humbly suggest Option 3 as the most likely:
That “Sanjaya” is a construct created by a collective and fevered imagination made warped by the shocking and continued rape of our culture at the hands of television producers.  That finally, out of all the mediocrity we’ve been celebrating and rewarding, came the ultimate in mediocrity.  The perfect definition of mediocre so compelling that as the first fevered mind created him, others followed suit – a virtual supervirus of cognitive suggestion. 

That’s right – “Sanjaya” is in our minds, and nothing more.  His departure from Idol wasn’t a fluke, but literally the sign of an America finally regaining its senses.

And it’s about time, too!

 So, I guess Oprah signed a deal with Discovery to create her own television network.  Sure, she already had one (Oxygen), but it evidently failed to reflect her “voice.”  Apparently, her television show, magazine and dedicated XM station were also not enough to give Oprah a voice. 

Because, you know, if anyone in American has a voice that needs to be heard, it’s Oprah.  People don’t hear nearly enough from the big “O”.  In fact, I was just thinking today, “you know who we don’t hear from nearly enough?”  That’s right.

 I guess we Americans just don’t take enough time to consider everything from Oprah’s point of view.

The Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN, I shit you not), which is going to replace the Discovery Health channel is, Oprah says, not intended solely for the female demographic.  Right.  I know lots of guys who’ll be frantically dialing their local providers and asking for that network.  It is, according to the related propoganda, “really about connecting with people” and “dedicated to inspiring viewers to ‘live their best lives.’”  Gag.

Great.  A 24/7 self-help book.  Dr. Phil on Speed.  And cloned. 

Somebody, please, kill this dog before it breeds.

I’m declaring a winner!

Hey, political pundits can do it; why not me?  Though I’m loathe to do so for reasons I’ll state momentarily, and though all the information isn’t in (and the industry itself has yet to officially declare a winner) I’m calling the HD format battle in favor of BluRay over HDDVD. 

This is a tough call for me, because I’ve been cautiously suggesting HDDVD would become the format of choice — and I hate being wrong. 

But it’s not as though I was making an uninformed prediction — I had valid reasons for the opinion.  First of all, HDDVD had history on its side.  Sony (BluRay’s creators, for those just catching up) has a tendency to get all proprietary when it comes to tech formats — even to the detriment of sales figures.  Beta was a great example of this attitude, and the consequences that go with it.  Though it was a superior format, Beta failed to outsell VHS industry-wide because Sony charged enormous amounts of money for licensing — when they agreed to license at all.  Secondly, HDDVD was backward-compatible with the current DVD library, where BluRay players were capable of playing only BluRay.  Plus, when I made the prediction, everything else was equal: though some large video rental corps were going with BluRay, others were choosing HDDVD.  BluRay had Disney and (obviously) Sony Pictures; HDDVD had FOX, and some others.  Though when the formats started, only BluRay was capable of true 1080p output (1080 lines of resolution, progressive scan), HDDVD caught up.  All things thus being equal, HDDVD simply had less baggage to overcome.

 Then Sony (wisely) started licensing the BluRay technology under reasonable terms.  You started seeing Samsung, LG and Sharp brining out BluRay players.  The new generation of BluRay developed backward-compatability with Standard Def DVD. 

Then the bombshell dropped:  Warner Bros signed exclusively with Sony.  Now you’re starting to see other groups going to BluRay.  You’re starting to see groups like DreamWorks asking HDDVD producers to create or modify “out” clauses in their contracts, “just in case.”  Rumors are already flying about Paramount and Universal ending their exclusivity with HDDVD.

Toshiba, the main purveyor of HDDVD, is not ready to give up the ghost just yet — but with the superiour end-user functionality of BluRay (in the form of easy in-movie menu access, better features — and you can’t forget the PS3 tie-in), Toshiba had better start doing more than simply cutting prices.

Things aren’t looking good for HDDVD.  But then, it is Sony’s turn.

I’m getting all angsty about the FCC. As usual.

I don’t know how many radio people are hanging out in the blogosphere — much less how many are actually reading this blog.  I personally know of two besides myself — but considering that’s about the number of actual readers on this little blog, I suppose I’m talking to you.  In any event, I’ve got this crazy notion that nearly every working DJ whose formative years were spent in the early ’90s got into this gig, in large part, because of ”Pump up the Volume.” 

Not that this is based on a scientific study of any kind.  Mostly, I just talked to other announcers about my age, and they generally agreed that yes, this movie had such an enormous impact on their young and tiny brains that they couldn’t help but grow up and become disc jockeys.  Well…. I guess that’s probably about as scientific as most political polls.

Now, if I’m right, here’s what’s truly frightening.  Part of the whole appeal of that movie was the shaking of fists to the establishment.  Sort of a flipping of the bird at government commissions and regulators of free speech(!!!!) like the FCC.  This should frighten some people, particulary those for whom the belief in the power of government to solve every problem known to man is nearly religeous.  Because that means that, deep down, most of my generation’s DJs are at least 80% anarchist.

The other 20% in my case is Republican, so I call myself a “Liberterian.”  Neither here nor there.

Now, lately, I’ve been okay with the FCC.  Not that I figured their actions suddenly became Constitutional, or that i think they’re a bunch of swell guys.  It’s just, I spend my job behind a microphone.  The day to day stuff, the legal stuff, simply never crosses my radar.  For the most part, they leave me alone, so I don’t do a lot of thinking about them.

 But now they’re getting their fingers into something else about which I care deeply:  television.  This whole DTV thing (digital television… if you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up here) is just sticking in my craw.  For one thing, it bothers me that, with everything else going on in the world, the Federal Government has decided that time and resources should be used in forcing the digital revolution (a feat, for those just catching up, that they’ve been trying to accomplish since just before this century — really). 

My problem with this?  The FCC, traditionally, is stacked with morons.  Like most government agencies, these idiots don’t know which way is up unless a congressman tells them — and very often, the congressmen don’t know, either.  They can’t get it done right — and they want to use taxes to do so incorrectly. 

The biggest issue here, by the way, is the issue of tuners.  Now, most new televisions (all, actually, starting last year) have built in digital tuners.  Recording devices, however, do not.  And if they do, you add a hundred bucks to the unit.  Which means, in short, that you now have to purchase particular cabling to be able to record in to these units.  In itself not so bad. 

Except that Americans, in particular, had trouble dealing with the VCR back when it was easy.

This means that those of us in the ‘know’ are going to get countless phonecalls from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends (not to mention the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles of said friends) to explain what they need to do in order to record “House.”

All because some mutt in congress went to some other mutt in the FCC about some jackass lobbyist who (undoubtedly) poured out all kinds of money to get the government to force this “revolution” upon us all.

And what do they want to do with the analogue “air” that is now going to be empty of programming?  Sell it. 

I smell pirate television coming on.  Perhaps Hard Harry needs a TV show.  The anarchist in me can only hope.  And start looking for cheap transmitters.

I doubt Tiger’s the one who’ll be lynched…

How’s this for an “oh… shit” moment? 

Golf anchor Kelly Tilghman was doing some on-camera sandboxing with analyst Nick Faldo when the question came up regarding how these young upstarts can hope to beat golf prodigy Tiger Woods.  Tilghman’s response:  “Lynch him in a back alley.”

Now… I didn’t watch this exchange, but I’m imagining in my mind’s eye the deer-in-the-headlights look that must have come over Tilghman’s face as the ramifications of what she said started to dawn.  If only it had been a white kid that was the current golf god.  Nuts.

Fortunately, Tiger Woods and those with whom he surrounds himself, are pretty nice people.  Woods’ agent noted the fact that the two were laughing during the exchange and probably meant no ill intent.

I doubt Tilghman’s a racist, also.  Dumber than a sack of hammers, perhaps.  A professional who really ought to know better, certainly.  But I doubt she got up that morning thinking, “you know, I kinda dislike my job.  I wonder what extremely inappropriate, potentially bigoted thing I could say today to get my stupid ass fired?”

The event is not devoid of racists, however.  Sharpton weighed in, as usual — unasked, as usual.  Seriously, is there anything this guy won’t do for media attention?  Again, as usual, he called for her immediate termination for this indiscretion.  What a hypocrite.  Guy’s probably fashioning a noose for Tilghman as I type.

Writers’ Strike — Opportunity for Originality, or Just More Remakes?

The Writers’ Strike’s still going strong, semi-crippling everything but (God help us) “reality” television.  While this is a blow to good television (what’s left of it), anyone paying attention to movies is left to wonder whether the screenwriters haven’t been on strike for the past several years.

Let’s face it: the most original stuff coming out of mainstream Hollywood lately has, ironically, come from Disney.  That’s right, the house that Grimm built has actually, for the last couple years, been turning out some very decent and even semi-original material (even if National Treasure is basically Indiana Jones without the exotic locations), while everybody else is pretty much making movies that have already been made or else, when they’re feeling especially daring, adapting novels.

But you know, there could be an opportunity here.  What this strike could do, hopefully, is pave the way for some indies.  You’d like to think so, anyway.  You’d like to think that, with several months of no work coming in through the Guild writers, some original works by indie film makers might get some much-deserved attention.

Most likely, though, execs, rather than pay somebody else, will instead dust off a shelved copy of something or other, and reproduce it.  Look for word-for-word remakes of “Ben Hur,” “Plan 9 from Outer Space” and “Horrors of Spider Island.” 

On the other hand, there’s always hope that the arrogant television execs will see the error of their ways, relent in their stupidity, and give these writers the cut they deserve.

Right.  I wonder who could play “Maria” in the “Sound of Music” remake…